Dear Alan,

Anonymous asked: Dear Alan, I've started dating a gorgeous woman but she's way out of my league, basically she's a bit posh and I'm a bricky, she says she doesn't care about money but I don't think I can afford to keep her happy. Please help!

You’ve come to right man here geezer. Working miracles on a budget is right up my street! The trick is to BA-rgain hunt. Try charity shops, bric-a-brac places, I went to the African Cup Of Nations when I was skint, look how that turned out. You Cabaye loadsa good stuff on the cheap these days! Play it smart, you’ll be alright. Keep ya chin up!

Anonymous asked: Dear Al, My boyfriend has just confessed that he's been having affairs with three other women. I'm devastated. I want this to work. What do you think I should do?

Aim for third but there’s no shame in being fourth. Chin up love!

Anonymous asked: Dear Alan, recently my sex drive has gone out the window. Any tips to get me going again?

Hi there pal! No one understands how important it is for your your lads to be in good form better than me, the saviour of the toon! I would say just don’t be afraid to rotate the squad or mix your tactics up when playing away! Remember, form is temporary, class is permanent! Chin up.

Anonymous asked: Dear Alan, my bird recently went away on a work trip and since she got back last week she's not been the same. We've not had sex since and she used to sleep naked but has started wearing pajamas. I fear she might have had a fling and picked something up. What should I do?

Hi mate, in my experience when you’re struggling to find talent domestically it’s always good to send the scouts out. Have you had a look at the African market to solve your problems? I’ve always had luck there. Don’t be afraid to let big names move on, look how well the tyne have done since a certain Andy Carroll left us? Chin up fella, we all have to move on at some point.